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I looked at the different bottled preserved fruits line up in a three levels rack. The different flavors from strawberry, orange marmalade to mixed blueberry and lemon made up a display of colorful bottles of both local made and imported fruit jam. My eyes scanned the different brands and trying to remembered which one of these brand I bought the last time. I had my taxi waiting for me outside and told the driver to let the meter running as I only needed a moment to get a certain flavored jam which I have always bought for someone. My next destination was to dropped of this bottle of jam before hurried back to the office for an afternoon meeting.
Somehow, that day I couldn't seemed to get my mind made up of which brand to choose. It wasn't a hectic time of day for grocery shopping and the bottled and packaged confectioneries aisle and sweets where I was standing facing the colorful rack was empty. I decided to take my time and continued to concentrate on the imported brands and trying hard to remembered the brand I bought the last time.
Vaguely I could hear The Carpenter's "Yesterday Once More" played over the supermarket's PAs and standing there looking at the colorful bottled jars the empty and quiet aisle became my private space.
When I was young
I'd listen to the radio
Waitin' for my favorite songs
When they played I'd sing along
It made me smile..
The romantic melody by The Carpenters soon shifted to a more upbeat and intense punk version by Redd Kross singing that same song in my head in that quiet empty aisle. Slowly the colorful jars of preserved fruits turned to empty clear jar filled with water and bright color gold fish swimming inside.
Yesterday once more was now a flashback of a young teenager walking by himself on an autumn day. The colorful autumn leaves fallen from the trees covered the sidewalk like a mixed of reddish and yellowish carpet. He dragged his sneakers over the carpet of leaves and smiled on the music he made from the movement of dry leaves brushing themselves against one another. He had been walking a few blocks from his house and had no particular place to go. Earlier he was lying on his bed in the attic of his house after school and looking at the colorful trees outside his window pane he decided to take a walk on that autumn afternoon by himself. He loved the cool September wind especially like that day where it was cooler than usual. The slightly cold wind made his usually frizzy hair during the humid summer weather felt lighter and straight. He enjoyed the feeling of his hair flew freely over his forehead and fell nicely slightly covering his eyes. It made him feels invisible from the rest of the world and taking him to his own solitude corner where he sometime hide to find emotional ease and peace.
Up ahead he saw a busy intersection and a line up of small neighborhood stores. He decided to take a turn to avoid the crowded area and continued walking on a quiet street. His mind wandered aimlessly in his imaginary solitary corner. It was a corner that existed since he was younger although he couldn't exactly remembered when was that corner built. Being the eldest in his family he found out that many things he had to learned by himself. When he was younger learning everything for the first time often had the outcomes of mistakes and disapproval from his parents. At times like that he often went to his solitary corner searching for someone to hold his hands and guided him to undo his mistakes. Growing older he decided to keep this corner of his and still wished that somewhere there he would found an angel that would held his hands and guided him through the running race of life. This search of comfort had also made him intuitive to the needs of other, especially the happiness of his storybook angel, the fictitious friend he depended so much for his search of happiness. The late September wind got stronger towards the late afternoon and he felt more dry leaves fell from the oak trees lining up on that quiet street. He looked up as he walks and could caught a glimpse of squirrels jumping off amongst the tree branches. Continued walking and made another turn headed back to the directions of his house the playful squirrels reminded him of his unfed pet gold fish up in his attic bedroom which he bought recently out of melancholic nostalgic reason about a movie he saw when he was much younger.
Who is the girl with the crying face
Looking at millions of signs
She knows that life is a running race
Her face shouldn't show any sides
The visionary jar with water and swimming gold fish started to disappear and I quickly grabbed a bottle of imported orange marmalade. By the time I paid at the cashier and went outside to find my cab, I saw that it was raining. Running to the cab with my bottled preserved fruits inside a supermarket plastic bag I told the driver my next destinations which was only a few blocks away.
Who is the girl at the window pane
Watching the rain falling down
Melody, life isn't like the rain
It's just like a merry go round
The soundtrack of the boy nostalgic movie kept playing in my head. I got to my destination and dropped off the plastic bag to someone who answered the door. Just before, while still sitting in the back seat of the cab, I gave the plastic bag an imaginary sealed with a loving kiss gesture.
Inspired by a British movie (1971) Melody Fair a.k.a S.W.A.L.K (Sealed With A Loving Kiss). Strarring Jack Wild, Mark Lester and Tracy Hyde. Screenplay by the now famous director Alan Parker
Va ti aspettero Il fiore nel giardino segna il tempo Qui disegnero il giorno poi del tuo ritorno Sei cosi sicura del mio amore Da portarlo via con te Chiuso nelle mani che ti porti al viso Ripensando ancora a me E se ti servira lo mostri al mondo Che non sa che vita c'e Nel cuore che distratto sembra assente Non sa che vita c'e In quello che soltanto il cuore sente Non sa.
"Kemana ?" "Kesana sebentar" "Aku tunggu sini, k ?" "Ok"
Drtttt.....drttt.....drtttt..... Bunyi alarm getar dari handphoneku dan angka digital di monitornya menunjukan jam 4.30 pagi. Sepotong mimpi pendek mengakhiri tidurku.
Kubuka keran air dan menampung air dingin yang keluar dengan kedua tanganku serta membasuh mukaku.
"Go, and take my feelings with you in your cupped hands so you can always feel them when you put your hands on your face". Terngiang terjemahan sepotong lirik dari sebuah lagu Itali dalam benak sambil merasakan dinginnya air menyentuh kulit mukaku.
Qui ti aspettero E rubero i baci al tempo Tempo che non basta a cancellare Coi ricordi il desiderio che Resta chiuso nelle mani che ti porti al viso Ripensando a me E ti accompagnera passando le citta da me Da me che sono ancora qui E sogno cose che non so di te Dove sara che strada fara il tuo ritorno Sogno
"Hapus aja semua" "Semua ?" "Iya, block all dan cut" "Ok"
Fungsi cut and paste memang praktis untuk menghapus maupun memindahkan data yang besar dalam sekejap.
"Sayang dihapus semua" "Ga papa, masih ada di memory kok, mau diliat balik? "Iya" "Control V aja"
Sebuah senyum manis muncul mensyukuri kehebatan penyimpanan memori dari sebuah kejadian.
Qui ti aspettero E rubero i baci al tempo Sogno
"Mau kemana ?" "Pergi" "Aku tunggu ?" "Ga usah"
Panas yang terik membuatku terbangun dari tidur siangku diteras belakang. Sambil bangkit dari kursi malas kusambar sebotol Aqua dimeja dan langsung kuteguk sekaligus kusiram kemukaku. Masih setengah mengantuk dan kepanasan kuletakkan kembali botol Aqua besar itu dimeja dengan posisi miring. Botol yang setengah penuh itu jatuh dan sebagian isinya tumpah keatas keyboard laptopku.
"Warning: Keep away computer from source of liquid and protect from damp area". Terngiang sebuah bunyi petunjuk pemeliharaan komputer dari buku panduan
Un rumore il vento che mi sveglia E sei gia qua.
Kali ini bukan mimpi. Aku usap keringat dari mukaku sambil menatap layar monitorku dan merenung atas hilangnya memori dari semua kejadian dalam sekejap.
Drtttt.....drttt.....drtttt..... Bunyi alarm getar dari handphoneku dan angka digital di monitornya menunjukan jam 4.30 pagi. Sebuah mimpi panjang yang terdiri dari berbagai mimpi-mimpi pendek mengakhiri tidurku.
Aku duduk dipinggir tempat tidurku memikirkan harus melalui hari yang masih sangat panjang.
Here I will wait for you And steal kisses from time I dream A noise, the wind awakens me And you're already here.
Terngiang kembali terjemahan lirik bait terakhir dari lagu yang sama dalam mimpiku tadi. Aku tersenyum pahit menyadari kenyataan, mimpi dan sepotong lirik lagu.
The driver turned on his radio without even asking me whether I would mind if he listened to some music. I sat in the back seat not really caring and closed my eyes. Soon I heard through my closed eyes the not so old driver started humming to this unknown song. I sighed silently but let him had his moment of joy. I was just too exhausted to even mind his out of tune humming and kept my eyes closed and tried to get a moment of sleep. Luckily the out of tune hummer knew where to take me when I told him earlier about my address.
"Good, then don't even bother to ask me which route I want to take, okay. I want to sleep" I said. "I can't promise you we don't get stuck in traffic" he replied trying to build some way out of getting the blame in case we got stuck in a rush hour traffic jam.
"Don't you turned into a politician on me, will you?" I sarcastically said to him. "The whole damn city is a traffic jam at this hour, so don't you worry about getting the blame to some broken promises" I continued with even a higher tone of cynicism.
"Everyone is a damn politician" I sighed silently and slouch back in the back seat.
The unknown song has gone and replace by another unknown song. The humming loyally followed another alien tune. I moved my hand from a folding position to my side and started to feel the surface of the vinyl backseat of the cab with my palm.
"Felt so different from leather" I started to thought about the feeling of genuine animal skin and tried to formed a scent of real leather in my sleepy head.
Suddenly I heard a familiar song I knew from a long time ago came out from the radio. My mind started to go with the mood and feeling slightly nostalgic. The driver was still doing his out of tune humming.
"Stop it dude, I know this one" I said. "Sorry ?" he replied "Stop the noise you're making, it ruined the song" I said, this time louder. "Ah, you have memory with this song, huh? he grinned from behind the rear view mirror. "Yes and you are destroying a beautiful picture so shut up !" I said. "Okay...okay happy daydreaming" he said, this time the grinned grew wider.
"Jerk !" I cursed silently.
I closed my eyes again and started feeling the moodiness brought by the song, awakening some strong feelings about the past. I smiled and continued to enjoy the ride to the past. The song seemed to evoke all the senses in me and brought back my addictions to emotional pleasure and pain as well.
"the delights of sensuality " I whispered silently.
The song was over and replace by a voice of a radio announcer. The driver switched to several other stations before he stopped at one that was playing another alien song.
"Now you can make the noise again" I told him. "I don't like this one" he said. "Good, then don't make the noise" I said in an ordering tone. "Okay sir !" he said.
The previous nostalgic song somewhat made my sleepiness gone away and replaces it with a few physical and emotional tingling feelings. The imaginary leather I felt just now brought me to a touching of skin scene on a leather sofa somewhere. I could hear the soft whispering noise of a movie unwatched on the TV and movement beneath a soft thin wool blanket.
I close my eyes tighter as if to fight the humming noise that has started again so it won't wrecked the sofa scene. It worked and I started to drowned in deeper emotions. This time it was the scent of wet grass shortly after a morning rain coming in from an open window, This has brought another scene of white bed sheets and scent of musky body odor mixed with freshly brewed coffee.
"Caffeine maybe has always been a stimulating experience, but that and the scent of rain and the sight of naked skin..." I couldn't even continued with my thought and instead sighed again as I got more intoxicated in a mix of emotional pleasure and pain.
I read somewhere that people who are exceptionally sensual live for the moment and are not hung up on the future or the past.
"Bullshit !" I cursed within.
What life has to offer is all about expectations of the future and pain of the past. Without them there won't be any strong feeling to relate to and all the five human senses won't mean anything.
"It won't be living" I concluded.
But then I thought again, the strong senses that made me drowned in emotions without a life vest won't mean anything either since I realized I felt it so strongly because I'm alone !.
"Damn senseless sensuality" I screamed, still silently. "Okay sir, we're here" the driver said.
I paid him the fare and left a big tip. It was raining again outside. Wet and damp and yes it smelled nice. I finally concluded that I rather keep finding the smell of rain pleasing or the taste of fresh marmalade soothing even though they brought me pain. I got out of the cab and heard the hummer thanking me.
"Thank you boss, you're very kind" he said. "Your welcome, you made me a very unhappy person" I said and closed the door.
Mataku menatap sebuah sudut sepi di ujung sana. Sebuah ruang hampa yang kini hanya bertepikan sandaran tangan kayu. Bangku taman dari kayu jati tua dengan ruang yang hanya cukup untuk dua orang itu terasa seperti lautan lepas tanpa daratan dilihat dari dimana aku duduk di sisi kanan.
Termangu aku duduk menatap berbagai guratan-guratan panjang maupun pendek yang ada di sandaran kayu dan dudukan bangku itu. Setiap guratan garis seakan bercerita kembali kepadaku kisah-kisah lama yang muncul dalam bayangan layar bergerak di kepalaku.
Kembali mataku menatap sudut kiri bangku taman itu. Sisa hujan semalam masih meninggalkan bekas noda basah dengan warna yang lebih gelap dibanding bagian lain. Setetes air hujan bahkan masih tergenang di sebuah lubang kecil disandaran tangan kayu. Permukaannya yang bening dan tenang menikmati keberadaannya di ruang kosong tak berpenghuni seakan seperti bola mata yang menatapku kembali dengan riang. Aku menatap kembali dan mencoba berdialog dengan tetes air hujan yang riang itu. Terpikir olehku mungkin dia senang nasibnya lebih baik dari para temannya yang jatuh disisi kanan bangku. Tetes-tetes air hujan yang kini telah lenyap entah terlempar atau terserap kulit atau pakaianku selama aku sering duduk terdiam disudut itu.
Mataku berbisik kepada si tetes air hujan dan meminta maaf telah melenyapkan teman-temannya. Sering terpikir mungkin lebih baik aku tidak duduk lagi disudutku dan pergi meninggalkan bangku taman itu. Mata basah riang itu seakan tersenyum dan mengajak ku untuk tetap menemaninya.
"ini adalah tempatmu dan sudut itu adalah dirimu. Jangan takut, teman-temanku akan kembali lagi di hari hujan yang berikutnya" katanya
"aku merasa ada yang hilang dan ini bukan tempatku lagi" bisik ku
"sisi itu sudah menjadi tempatmu dan guratan garis cerita yang ada disini tidak akan pernah hilang. bangku ini adalah rumah bagimu" katanya lagi
"aku sebelum ini tidak pernah memperhatikanmu" aku meminta maaf kepada teman baruku itu
"senyum mu setiap kali hujan turun adalah perhatianmu kepadaku dan teman-temanku" katanya tetap riang
Aku tersenyum melihat kepolosan dan ketulusan setetes air hujan itu.
"duduklah disisi ini. jangan takut kehilangan diriku karena bagian dari ku selalu akan kembali ke bangku ini setiap kali hujan" katanya lagi
Aku mengangguk dan tersenyum mendengar janjinya yang mencoba menenangkan hatiku.
"Aku akan coba pada waktunya nanti untuk duduk disisi mu" jawabku berjanji
"Jangan lupa untuk membawa lemon cheesecake kesukaan mu. Aku suka aroma jeruknya" dia mengingatkanku atas salah satu ritual di bangku taman itu
Aku menganguk lagi dan seakan bisa merasakan sisa rasa jeruk di lidahku dari entah kapan saat terakhir kali aku memakan sepotong lemon cheesecake.
That was what it says in white chalk on the menu board standing on the pavement in front of this café announcing the special package for the day. I felt raindrops fell heavier on my head and was deciding whether to go inside escaping the rain or just continued walking. I peeked inside and saw empty white linen clothed tables decorated with a white lily in a small crystal like vase on top of every table.
I decided to sit on the veranda section of the café protected from the rain by a white colored canopy and chose the farthest side of the table from the sidewalk to avoid the rain. Not really in a hurry to be served I looked across the street watching wet grass on a small park turned shinier from the rain. Overlooking the park my eyes caught a window display of an interior design gallery. It showed a white themed bedroom décor of a massive light colored teakwood bed softened by sheets, down pillows and comforter all in white. My wandering mind then was so quick to build an imaginary setting of its own. One was an illustration of a tropical setting with ocean breeze flowing through an opened window blowing at a white see – through curtain. Inside is a teak paneled floor bedroom in some hidden villa in Canggu, Bali surrounded by rice fields and a view of a small river. Contrary to the tropical setting, other images that popped up from that “all white” window display were clips from TV commercials for either an air condition product or sanitary napkins for women. I couldn’t really help it of coming up with these latter pictures since it was an occupational hazard from working in an ad agency. Commercial for these type of products tend to highlight the whiteness of things to portray freshness and cleanness. Strange that since I walked past this café I felt attacked by this color starting with the white chalked menu list, tablecloth, white lily, canopy and that bedroom décor display. Anyhow, I prefer the tropical picture over the TV commercial ones as it gave me a quick get away window from the damp wet autumn day as it was that day.
The green tropical picturesque was shattered when the waitress came over to take my order. She was wearing an oversize white shirt (again that color) but wrapped thankfully in a black apron with front pockets filled with order book and a pen. I asked for a double espresso to speed up my caffeine intake for the day and asked her to come back later while I browsed the menu. My espresso came and I asked if she could give me a small cut of lime skin to put on my coffee. She came back with two small pieces on a white small plate. I learned this from an old Italian man years ago on how to make an espresso richer in flavor.
I studied the menu and saw lemon cheesecake again which was slightly more expensive than the plain cheesecake, obviously. I was always one that went for the old fashioned way when it came to food and drinks so I started to automatically think of ordering the plain one. The way I run my life was complicated enough and I could use a few basic simple way of living like a plain bagel instead of a cinnamon taste one or a cold beer instead of those colorful designer cocktails.
However, sitting there and staring again at the clean white tablecloth I felt I was entering a comfort zone that was long ago forgotten. So all of a sudden this out of the ordinary thought came over me and I told the waitress to bring me the lemon cheesecake. While waiting for my order I took out my shag tobacco and rolling paper . My finger started to do the art of rolling the thin white paper and making it into a thin cigarrete.
Watching my cigarette burned by a Zippo I started to think is it curiosity for the blended taste of cheese and lemon or is it simply boredom for the ordinary? The “great white attack” somehow already gave me a hugging – like feeling of coziness and now the thought of lemon taste over a traditional delicatessen like cheese charmed my curiosity.
The waitress came back with my cheesecake. I looked at it and it was prettier to look at than the ordinary one with gradient of yellowish color on the white cheese surface. The twist of lemon taste on my tongue felt like a fresh witty surprise over the usual stand alone cheese taste. As I took more bites I felt the fresh sweet taste was arousing some long forgotten senses inside. Savoring the lemon cheese taste, sniffing the aroma of strong espresso mixed with a scent of lime while enjoying the whiteness around me was like slouching in a giant comfortable sofa, it felt like home.
As I sat there absorbing all these, the rain has stopped. It was home but in a different world. It was like going scuba diving in that tropical place, seeing the beauty of the colorful marine lives and an underwater flower garden made of coral reefs. The world separated by open water and an oxygen tank, the deeper you go the more beautiful it was. It was a dangerous playground unless you are an expert diver in the hand of an experience dive master.
I tossed a few bills to pay for everything and left the café. Walking across the small park I kicked some reddish autumn leaves lying on the green carpet of wet grass. Some raindrops still rested on the leaves like teardrops hanging on a pair of sad eyes. Kicking the leaves made the water splashed on my shoes and I carried those teardrops with me as I walked away. Sitting on a wet iron park bench l looked back at the café. I thought about the options, weighing possibilities of living between two worlds. I knew my next stop would be home, the one in my world.
I would miss my lemon cheesecake even when the taste continued to linger on my taste bud. I even knew that I would miss it still as I bite into it the next time. This was like a secret love affair between two characters on two different story frames of the same comic page. Sharing the same space but separated by two different stories. Unification could only be decided by the almighty illustrator.
I then realized that I too wore a white shirt over a pair of washed out jeans that day. Another long forgotten habit of my preferred attire for a simple look which strangely I put on again that rainy autumn day. I continued my walk home and wondering whether my closet would have enough space to hang my white shirts and a diving wetsuit.
lying on the green carpet of wet grass. Some raindrops still rested on the leaves like teardrops hanging on a pair of sad eyes. Kicking the leaves made the water splashed on my shoes and I carried those teardrops with me as I walked away. Sitting on a wet iron 