I looked at the different bottled preserved fruits line up in a three levels rack. The different flavors from strawberry, orange marmalade to mixed blueberry and lemon made up a display of colorful bottles of both local made and imported fruit jam. My eyes scanned the different brands and trying to remembered which one of these brand I bought the last time. I had my taxi waiting for me outside and told the driver to let the meter running as I only needed a moment to get a certain flavored jam which I have always bought for someone. My next destination was to dropped of this bottle of jam before hurried back to the office for an afternoon meeting.
Somehow, that day I couldn't seemed to get my mind made up of which brand to choose. It wasn't a hectic time of day for grocery shopping and the bottled and packaged confectioneries aisle and sweets where I was standing facing the colorful rack was empty. I decided to take my time and continued to concentrate on the imported brands and trying hard to remembered the brand I bought the last time.
Vaguely I could hear The Carpenter's "Yesterday Once More" played over the supermarket's PAs and standing there looking at the colorful bottled jars the empty and quiet aisle became my private space.
When I was young
I'd listen to the radio
Waitin' for my favorite songs
When they played I'd sing along
It made me smile..
The romantic melody by The Carpenters soon shifted to a more upbeat and intense punk version by Redd Kross singing that same song in my head in that quiet empty aisle. Slowly the colorful jars of preserved fruits turned to empty clear jar filled with water and bright color gold fish swimming inside.
Yesterday once more was now a flashback of a young teenager walking by himself on an autumn day. The colorful autumn leaves fallen from the trees covered the sidewalk like a mixed of reddish and yellowish carpet. He dragged his sneakers over the carpet of leaves and smiled on the music he made from the movement of dry leaves brushing themselves against one another. He had been walking a few blocks from his house and had no particular place to go. Earlier he was lying on his bed in the attic of his house after school and looking at the colorful trees outside his window pane he decided to take a walk on that autumn afternoon by himself. He loved the cool September wind especially like that day where it was cooler than usual. The slightly cold wind made his usually frizzy hair during the humid summer weather felt lighter and straight. He enjoyed the feeling of his hair flew freely over his forehead and fell nicely slightly covering his eyes. It made him feels invisible from the rest of the world and taking him to his own solitude corner where he sometime hide to find emotional ease and peace.
Up ahead he saw a busy intersection and a line up of small neighborhood stores. He decided to take a turn to avoid the crowded area and continued walking on a quiet street. His mind wandered aimlessly in his imaginary solitary corner. It was a corner that existed since he was younger although he couldn't exactly remembered when was that corner built. Being the eldest in his family he found out that many things he had to learned by himself. When he was younger learning everything for the first time often had the outcomes of mistakes and disapproval from his parents. At times like that he often went to his solitary corner searching for someone to hold his hands and guided him to undo his mistakes. Growing older he decided to keep this corner of his and still wished that somewhere there he would found an angel that would held his hands and guided him through the running race of life. This search of comfort had also made him intuitive to the needs of other, especially the happiness of his storybook angel, the fictitious friend he depended so much for his search of happiness. The late September wind got stronger towards the late afternoon and he felt more dry leaves fell from the oak trees lining up on that quiet street. He looked up as he walks and could caught a glimpse of squirrels jumping off amongst the tree branches. Continued walking and made another turn headed back to the directions of his house the playful squirrels reminded him of his unfed pet gold fish up in his attic bedroom which he bought recently out of melancholic nostalgic reason about a movie he saw when he was much younger.
Who is the girl with the crying face
Looking at millions of signs
She knows that life is a running race
Her face shouldn't show any sides
The visionary jar with water and swimming gold fish started to disappear and I quickly grabbed a bottle of imported orange marmalade. By the time I paid at the cashier and went outside to find my cab, I saw that it was raining. Running to the cab with my bottled preserved fruits inside a supermarket plastic bag I told the driver my next destinations which was only a few blocks away.
Who is the girl at the window pane
Watching the rain falling down
Melody, life isn't like the rain
It's just like a merry go round
The soundtrack of the boy nostalgic movie kept playing in my head. I got to my destination and dropped off the plastic bag to someone who answered the door. Just before, while still sitting in the back seat of the cab, I gave the plastic bag an imaginary sealed with a loving kiss gesture.
Inspired by a British movie (1971) Melody Fair a.k.a S.W.A.L.K (Sealed With A Loving Kiss). Strarring Jack Wild, Mark Lester and Tracy Hyde. Screenplay by the now famous director Alan Parker
Saling menyambar dan terkadang bergumul dalam ikatan kilat seperti dua kabel gulung raksasa. Suara daun yang bergerak tersambar kilatan cahaya yang berterbangan diantara ranting pohon besar itu seperti orkestra yang mengiringi permainan dua cahaya tersebut.
Para daun yang menonton tersenyum dan kadang tertawa gembira menyaksikan kedua cahaya berterbangan diantara mereka. Sinar cahaya keduanya membuat hangat suasana diatas pohon besar yang rindang itu.
Sesekali terlihat salah satu dari cahaya itu berhenti terbang dan menonton cahaya yang lain terbang memutari sebuah benda merah yang bertengger di salah satu dahan besar pohon itu. Tak lama berhenti, cahaya itu kembali bergerak berputar dengan arah yang berlawanan dan setiap kali berpapasan dengan cahaya yang satu lagi terjadi percumbuan singkat seperti dua semut yang berpapasan dari dua arah yang berlawanan.
Pada akhirnya kilatan-kilatan sinar berhenti di titik temu di tengah benda merah tersebut yang tak lain adalah sebuah sofa besar yang empuk dan nyaman. Sebuah titik temu dan tempat mereka menghabiskan waktu santai diantara teduhnya rimbun daun dan sepoi angin yang setia mengunjungi pohon besar itu.
Kedua sinar itu menganguk puas bersama melihat hasil kerja mereka membersihkan sofa kesayangan mereka. Dua kilatan cahaya lalu terlihat meloncat keatas dudukan sofa dan kemudian bersatu seakan membungkus sofa itu dengan sinar terang. Tak lama setelah itu dua sinar itu berpisah dan serentak bergerak turun ke tanah bersamaan.
Dibawah pohon besar itu terlihat dua sinar cahaya yang memudar dan berganti sosok. Cahaya pertama yang sampai dibawah menjelma menjadi pengangon bebek dengan topi bercaping dan sinar yang kedua menjelma menjadi penjual jamu yang mengendong bakul penuh dengan botol-botol jamu.
Mereka bertatapan dan saling tersenyum kemudian bergerak menuju arah yang berlawanan. Si pengangon bebek berjalan kearah sawah dan menggiring puluhan bebek. Si penjual jamu berjalan kearah gerbang desa untuk menemui para pelanggan setianya yang telah menunggu
That's the verdict this morning around 8.30 AM. It's bad news as well as good news. The bad news is that it's cancer. The good news is that if you have to have cancer this is the best one to have because it is treatable and do not require the toxic therapy.
The therapy was done in the late afternoon and till it was over around 8 PM, she's responding well to the therapy. My brother is staying with her tonight.
Let's hope the 1st night after the therapy there are no side effects to worry about. So far until just now no worrying signs to be concern about. She's sleeping and resting well
After the doctor's examination. Recommended stayed overnight possibly two to do fluid drainage on the stomach. This what has caused weakness and short of breath. Hopefully, after this she will feel stronger as this what has caused her to feel weak lately.
Now, they're doing the citiscan first before proceeding to do the fluid drainage.
12.25 PM
Paged by the nurse at radiology. Scrambled egg and sausage breakfast cut short and went back to the to the lab and were told they will do the fluid drainage now. It is going to be approximately 30 to 45 minutes.
Now back at Coffee Bean again and continue with the interrupted egg and sausage breakfast.
Chateau Eliza apartment on Mount Elizabeth Links, 4th floor
Awaiting anxiously for tomorrow's appointment at the Oncologist office. Went to the supermarket at Paragon's basement to buy some groceries. Went there again later in the evening to buy some dinner.
We'll see what happen tomorrow at the doctor's office.
Kulihat rangkaian batu alam berwarna hijau itu tergeletak diatas meja dengan salah satu ujungnya yang cacat tanpa kaitan.
"Rantai cerita terputus" kebiasaan menterjemahkan sesuatu hal kecil dan menjadikannya sebuah kejadian besar muncul begitu saja dibenakku. Imaginasi tolol itu kemudian aku teruskan dengan mulai menghitung satu persatu batu yang terangkai menjadi sebuah gelang itu dari ujung yang satu ke ujung yang lain.
Ada sembilan batu gempeng yang terbagi menjadi tiga bagian yang terpisahkan oleh sepotong hiasan perak. Gelang batu alam itu selalu menjadi perhiasan yang paling sering aku pakai dibanding dengan pernak pernik lain yang aku miliki. Aku suka merasakan dinginnya permukaan batu-batu itu menyentuh permukaan pergelangan tanganku setiap kali aku mulai memakainya. Suhu badanku kemudian perlahan menjalar lewat kulit dan tanpa kusadari rasa dingin yang tadinya ada telah hilang. Sebuah proses yang terjadi dari aksi dan interaksi antara dua zat alami.
Biasanya aku lalu suka memutar-mutar gelang itu dipergelangan tanganku sambil menyentuh satu persatu batu yang ada dan merasakan kehangatan yang sama antara batu-batu itu dan kulit tubuhku. Peristiwa ini mengingakanku akan kehangatan-kehangatan lain yang kurasakan seperti turunnya hujan dihari yang terik, aroma kopi dipagi hari, tertidur lelap di sofa yang empuk, sampai bahkan kepada peristiwa masa kecil dimana ibuku menggandeng tanganku di hari pertama masuk sekolah.
Sebilan batu alam itu seperti rangkaian peristiwa yang menyatukan semua kehangatan itu dan memberikan rasa nyaman yang luar biasa setiap kali memakainya di pergelangan tanganku. Sembilan batu ajaib itu kini sedang cacat tanpa kaitan yang berfungsi menyatukan rasa nyaman yang tersimpan dalam batu-batu itu dan mengalirkannya kedalam tubuhku.
Aku bangkit dari dudukku dan mencari alat yang dapat kupakai untuk memperbaiki kaitan yang lepas itu. Sambil memegang ujung yang cacat dan mengencangkan kaitan yang lepas dari jepitannya dengan sebuah tang imajinasi tololku kembali memikirkan angka sembilan dalam bentuk yang lain.
Umur kehamilan biasanya sembilan bulan Kucing katanya punya sembilan nyawa Sembilan puluh sembilan nama Allah Ronaldo dari AC Milan memakai kaos dengan nomer sembilan.
Tiba-tiba aku memikirkan sebuah permainan angka: Urutan kesembilan dalam bilangan bulan dalam satu tahun dan gabungan angka dua dan tujuh yang penjumlahannya menjadi angka sembilan. Sembilan ternyata memang angka yang keramat.
Va ti aspettero Il fiore nel giardino segna il tempo Qui disegnero il giorno poi del tuo ritorno Sei cosi sicura del mio amore Da portarlo via con te Chiuso nelle mani che ti porti al viso Ripensando ancora a me E se ti servira lo mostri al mondo Che non sa che vita c'e Nel cuore che distratto sembra assente Non sa che vita c'e In quello che soltanto il cuore sente Non sa.
"Kemana ?" "Kesana sebentar" "Aku tunggu sini, k ?" "Ok"
Drtttt.....drttt.....drtttt..... Bunyi alarm getar dari handphoneku dan angka digital di monitornya menunjukan jam 4.30 pagi. Sepotong mimpi pendek mengakhiri tidurku.
Kubuka keran air dan menampung air dingin yang keluar dengan kedua tanganku serta membasuh mukaku.
"Go, and take my feelings with you in your cupped hands so you can always feel them when you put your hands on your face". Terngiang terjemahan sepotong lirik dari sebuah lagu Itali dalam benak sambil merasakan dinginnya air menyentuh kulit mukaku.
Qui ti aspettero E rubero i baci al tempo Tempo che non basta a cancellare Coi ricordi il desiderio che Resta chiuso nelle mani che ti porti al viso Ripensando a me E ti accompagnera passando le citta da me Da me che sono ancora qui E sogno cose che non so di te Dove sara che strada fara il tuo ritorno Sogno
"Hapus aja semua" "Semua ?" "Iya, block all dan cut" "Ok"
Fungsi cut and paste memang praktis untuk menghapus maupun memindahkan data yang besar dalam sekejap.
"Sayang dihapus semua" "Ga papa, masih ada di memory kok, mau diliat balik? "Iya" "Control V aja"
Sebuah senyum manis muncul mensyukuri kehebatan penyimpanan memori dari sebuah kejadian.
Qui ti aspettero E rubero i baci al tempo Sogno
"Mau kemana ?" "Pergi" "Aku tunggu ?" "Ga usah"
Panas yang terik membuatku terbangun dari tidur siangku diteras belakang. Sambil bangkit dari kursi malas kusambar sebotol Aqua dimeja dan langsung kuteguk sekaligus kusiram kemukaku. Masih setengah mengantuk dan kepanasan kuletakkan kembali botol Aqua besar itu dimeja dengan posisi miring. Botol yang setengah penuh itu jatuh dan sebagian isinya tumpah keatas keyboard laptopku.
"Warning: Keep away computer from source of liquid and protect from damp area". Terngiang sebuah bunyi petunjuk pemeliharaan komputer dari buku panduan
Un rumore il vento che mi sveglia E sei gia qua.
Kali ini bukan mimpi. Aku usap keringat dari mukaku sambil menatap layar monitorku dan merenung atas hilangnya memori dari semua kejadian dalam sekejap.
Drtttt.....drttt.....drtttt..... Bunyi alarm getar dari handphoneku dan angka digital di monitornya menunjukan jam 4.30 pagi. Sebuah mimpi panjang yang terdiri dari berbagai mimpi-mimpi pendek mengakhiri tidurku.
Aku duduk dipinggir tempat tidurku memikirkan harus melalui hari yang masih sangat panjang.
Here I will wait for you And steal kisses from time I dream A noise, the wind awakens me And you're already here.
Terngiang kembali terjemahan lirik bait terakhir dari lagu yang sama dalam mimpiku tadi. Aku tersenyum pahit menyadari kenyataan, mimpi dan sepotong lirik lagu.
The moment I wake up Before I put on my makeup I say a little prayer for you While combing my hair, now, And wondering what dress to wear, now, I say a little prayer for you
Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart and I will love you Forever, forever, we never will part Oh, how I'll love you Together, together, that's how it must be To live without you Would only be heartbreak for me.
I run for the bus, dear, While riding I think of us, dear, I say a little prayer for you. At work I just take time And all through my coffee break-time, I say a little prayer for you.
Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart and I will love you Forever, forever we never will part Oh, how I'll love you Together, together, that's how it must be To live without you Would only be heartbreak for me.
My darling believe me, For me there is no one But you.
The Movie: A soundtrack from "My Best Friend's Wedding". What's different about this movie from most romantic comedy is that the heroine and hero did not ended up together.
The Song: Sang by the lady of soul Aretha Franklin
The Real Life: A little prayer for a best friend.. ...to be brave ...to be tolerance ...to endure ...to have faith ...to be acceptance ...and to still have passion and believes in your dreams There are those who love you. Good luck.
The driver turned on his radio without even asking me whether I would mind if he listened to some music. I sat in the back seat not really caring and closed my eyes. Soon I heard through my closed eyes the not so old driver started humming to this unknown song. I sighed silently but let him had his moment of joy. I was just too exhausted to even mind his out of tune humming and kept my eyes closed and tried to get a moment of sleep. Luckily the out of tune hummer knew where to take me when I told him earlier about my address.
"Good, then don't even bother to ask me which route I want to take, okay. I want to sleep" I said. "I can't promise you we don't get stuck in traffic" he replied trying to build some way out of getting the blame in case we got stuck in a rush hour traffic jam.
"Don't you turned into a politician on me, will you?" I sarcastically said to him. "The whole damn city is a traffic jam at this hour, so don't you worry about getting the blame to some broken promises" I continued with even a higher tone of cynicism.
"Everyone is a damn politician" I sighed silently and slouch back in the back seat.
The unknown song has gone and replace by another unknown song. The humming loyally followed another alien tune. I moved my hand from a folding position to my side and started to feel the surface of the vinyl backseat of the cab with my palm.
"Felt so different from leather" I started to thought about the feeling of genuine animal skin and tried to formed a scent of real leather in my sleepy head.
Suddenly I heard a familiar song I knew from a long time ago came out from the radio. My mind started to go with the mood and feeling slightly nostalgic. The driver was still doing his out of tune humming.
"Stop it dude, I know this one" I said. "Sorry ?" he replied "Stop the noise you're making, it ruined the song" I said, this time louder. "Ah, you have memory with this song, huh? he grinned from behind the rear view mirror. "Yes and you are destroying a beautiful picture so shut up !" I said. "Okay...okay happy daydreaming" he said, this time the grinned grew wider.
"Jerk !" I cursed silently.
I closed my eyes again and started feeling the moodiness brought by the song, awakening some strong feelings about the past. I smiled and continued to enjoy the ride to the past. The song seemed to evoke all the senses in me and brought back my addictions to emotional pleasure and pain as well.
"the delights of sensuality " I whispered silently.
The song was over and replace by a voice of a radio announcer. The driver switched to several other stations before he stopped at one that was playing another alien song.
"Now you can make the noise again" I told him. "I don't like this one" he said. "Good, then don't make the noise" I said in an ordering tone. "Okay sir !" he said.
The previous nostalgic song somewhat made my sleepiness gone away and replaces it with a few physical and emotional tingling feelings. The imaginary leather I felt just now brought me to a touching of skin scene on a leather sofa somewhere. I could hear the soft whispering noise of a movie unwatched on the TV and movement beneath a soft thin wool blanket.
I close my eyes tighter as if to fight the humming noise that has started again so it won't wrecked the sofa scene. It worked and I started to drowned in deeper emotions. This time it was the scent of wet grass shortly after a morning rain coming in from an open window, This has brought another scene of white bed sheets and scent of musky body odor mixed with freshly brewed coffee.
"Caffeine maybe has always been a stimulating experience, but that and the scent of rain and the sight of naked skin..." I couldn't even continued with my thought and instead sighed again as I got more intoxicated in a mix of emotional pleasure and pain.
I read somewhere that people who are exceptionally sensual live for the moment and are not hung up on the future or the past.
"Bullshit !" I cursed within.
What life has to offer is all about expectations of the future and pain of the past. Without them there won't be any strong feeling to relate to and all the five human senses won't mean anything.
"It won't be living" I concluded.
But then I thought again, the strong senses that made me drowned in emotions without a life vest won't mean anything either since I realized I felt it so strongly because I'm alone !.
"Damn senseless sensuality" I screamed, still silently. "Okay sir, we're here" the driver said.
I paid him the fare and left a big tip. It was raining again outside. Wet and damp and yes it smelled nice. I finally concluded that I rather keep finding the smell of rain pleasing or the taste of fresh marmalade soothing even though they brought me pain. I got out of the cab and heard the hummer thanking me.
"Thank you boss, you're very kind" he said. "Your welcome, you made me a very unhappy person" I said and closed the door.
She looked at me. With a rigid smile with no hint of emotion but a mechanical twitch on her face. A movement created by some complicated back process programming language that sent by the central processing unit to respond to a reaction by a human near her.
Dress all black. In a John Galiano’s outfit and moves with ease around the room keeping her eyes on the powerful giant computer screen displaying an image a satellite picture of the a deserted land somewhere in the Middle East. Her slender yet full figured body bends as she touches few buttons enhancing the curves of a perfectly build woman. Her eyes focus on the screen with an intense look that contradicts the face of a melancholic beauty that seems to come from an unknown ethnic origin.
I watched her. The almost human robot with skills ranging from mastering all martial arts known to the world to a DJ spinning the latest rave including the intelligent of understanding ancient Egyptian manuscripts and Chinese Caligprahy.
She looked at me. This time the usual empty gaze flickered momentarily with a touch of human emotion.
Sadness.
A computer named Elodie had a mechanical malfunction that cause her to have a melody of heart beat.
She looked at me. I gazed back and understood that she did not want me to fix the malfunction and to just let it be.
She looked at me. I smiled and my gaze told her that I understood.
A long forgotten unfinished writing. Tonight it is done.
It's funny how when you know that you were asleep but you're feeling something else that felt so real. Next thing you know you woke up sad in the middle of the night, lighted up a cigarette and thinking about this;
flat words casual gestures
felt like a sharp pain
closed doors unshared thoughts
felt like a cold solitude
they say it takes two to tango what it feels now is an endless one way highway
felt like an empty cold desert night
Next thing you know you felt sleepiness creeping back in and you're thankful for that. Tomorrow is another day.
Mataku menatap sebuah sudut sepi di ujung sana. Sebuah ruang hampa yang kini hanya bertepikan sandaran tangan kayu. Bangku taman dari kayu jati tua dengan ruang yang hanya cukup untuk dua orang itu terasa seperti lautan lepas tanpa daratan dilihat dari dimana aku duduk di sisi kanan.
Termangu aku duduk menatap berbagai guratan-guratan panjang maupun pendek yang ada di sandaran kayu dan dudukan bangku itu. Setiap guratan garis seakan bercerita kembali kepadaku kisah-kisah lama yang muncul dalam bayangan layar bergerak di kepalaku.
Kembali mataku menatap sudut kiri bangku taman itu. Sisa hujan semalam masih meninggalkan bekas noda basah dengan warna yang lebih gelap dibanding bagian lain. Setetes air hujan bahkan masih tergenang di sebuah lubang kecil disandaran tangan kayu. Permukaannya yang bening dan tenang menikmati keberadaannya di ruang kosong tak berpenghuni seakan seperti bola mata yang menatapku kembali dengan riang. Aku menatap kembali dan mencoba berdialog dengan tetes air hujan yang riang itu. Terpikir olehku mungkin dia senang nasibnya lebih baik dari para temannya yang jatuh disisi kanan bangku. Tetes-tetes air hujan yang kini telah lenyap entah terlempar atau terserap kulit atau pakaianku selama aku sering duduk terdiam disudut itu.
Mataku berbisik kepada si tetes air hujan dan meminta maaf telah melenyapkan teman-temannya. Sering terpikir mungkin lebih baik aku tidak duduk lagi disudutku dan pergi meninggalkan bangku taman itu. Mata basah riang itu seakan tersenyum dan mengajak ku untuk tetap menemaninya.
"ini adalah tempatmu dan sudut itu adalah dirimu. Jangan takut, teman-temanku akan kembali lagi di hari hujan yang berikutnya" katanya
"aku merasa ada yang hilang dan ini bukan tempatku lagi" bisik ku
"sisi itu sudah menjadi tempatmu dan guratan garis cerita yang ada disini tidak akan pernah hilang. bangku ini adalah rumah bagimu" katanya lagi
"aku sebelum ini tidak pernah memperhatikanmu" aku meminta maaf kepada teman baruku itu
"senyum mu setiap kali hujan turun adalah perhatianmu kepadaku dan teman-temanku" katanya tetap riang
Aku tersenyum melihat kepolosan dan ketulusan setetes air hujan itu.
"duduklah disisi ini. jangan takut kehilangan diriku karena bagian dari ku selalu akan kembali ke bangku ini setiap kali hujan" katanya lagi
Aku mengangguk dan tersenyum mendengar janjinya yang mencoba menenangkan hatiku.
"Aku akan coba pada waktunya nanti untuk duduk disisi mu" jawabku berjanji
"Jangan lupa untuk membawa lemon cheesecake kesukaan mu. Aku suka aroma jeruknya" dia mengingatkanku atas salah satu ritual di bangku taman itu
Aku menganguk lagi dan seakan bisa merasakan sisa rasa jeruk di lidahku dari entah kapan saat terakhir kali aku memakan sepotong lemon cheesecake.
